


Tragedy

by arthureames



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: AU, Character Death, F/M, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2014-06-16
Packaged: 2018-02-04 16:32:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1785841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arthureames/pseuds/arthureames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the fight against Slade Wilson, Oliver and Felicity lose someone and they both deal with it their own way. Felicity runs. Five years later, she is forced to revisit her past, and face the consequences she had been avoiding for too long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prodigal

CHAPTER ONE

 _Run away, run away, l_ _ike a prodigal_  
 _Don't you wait for me, don't_ _you wait for me_  
 _So ashamed, so ashamed, b_ _ut I need you so_  
 _And you wait for me, a_ _nd you wait for me_

* * *

It isn't easy to move on after a tragedy.

Tragedies happen every day, all around the world, and you see them on news channels or newspapers, and you are selfishly glad it's doesn't involve you or anyone you love. You go on with your day then, because even though what you just saw or read is terrible, you have better things to do. You have a train to catch. You have a job to get to. You have an errand to run.

When something bad happens to you, it happens. If you die, you're dead. You won't feel anything. You won't cry, you won't feel guilty, you won't be there for the aftermath.

When something bad happens to someone you love, though, that's the tragedy.

That's the biggest tragedy of them all.

And Felicity, young, hopeful Felicity, never thought she would go through something like that.

She was wrong.

When Slade Wilson finally reached his endgame in his revenge plan against Oliver Queen, the Arrow, he brought down a wave of destruction on Starling City. It was expected, really. They were ready for it. They would fight, they would lay down their lives if needed, all for the greater good.

John Diggle did that. John Diggle gave up his life, his future, days he still had with people who loved him, for the city. For Oliver Queen. For Lyla.

For Felicity.

The memory was always there, on the back of her mind. It had been five years already, but her throat still burned when she thought of him.

Oliver and Felicity's plan to stop Slade was simple enough. He made Slade think he loved her. She was simply waiting for him to kidnap her so she could inject him with the cure. He came.

But so did Diggle.

He had no idea. He thought Slade meant to kidnap her, which in truth he did, but he thought she was unwilling. He thought she was in real danger. She may have been, but it was okay. She knew what she had to do.

John Diggle didn't.

He tried to keep her away from Slade. He tried to save her, and Slade pierced an arrow through his body right in front of her. Before she heard the terrible noise of arrow ripping through flesh, before his body fell onto the ground, their eyes met. He smiled, then. He knew what was about to happen. She screamed and cried and he just smiled, because John Diggle didn't want her to feel guilty or sad, he wanted her to be safe and he thought his death would give Oliver enough time to rescue her.

They continued with the mission.

A part of Felicity wanted to die, too. One half of Felicity's brain wanted to let Slade cut off her head instead of reaching into her pocket and taking out the antidote.

The other half wanted to honor Diggle. Wanted to try to make up for something that was her fault and no one else's. She should have warned him. He should have known.

So they continued with the plan. They won. Oliver locked up Slade Wilson in the Island he had come from —because Slade Wilson as she knew him was born in that place—, and she didn't even go to John's burial.

She never told Lyla it was all a plan. Felicity couldn't bring herself to do it. She felt miserable, and she didn't want anyone to feel any worse than they already were, especially not because of her.

So she left.

She didn't even say goodbye to Oliver. She would be lying if she said she regretted it. If Felicity had stopped to say goodbye, he would find a way to convince her to stay, and she couldn't risk it.

It felt like something Felicity wouldn't do. She was painfully aware of the fact John Diggle wouldn't want her to abandon Oliver. He wouldn't want her to give up on helping the city, a city he protected until his last breath.

But the guilt was just too much, and even though Felicity was also aware that running away wouldn't make it go away, she held out hope it would at least get a little more bearable.

Five years later, Felicity Smoak sat with the CEO of Mills Global, her throat dry and her hands shaking slightly.

"What do you mean I'm needed in Starling City?" Her voice was calm. "We're in Chicago. What could you possibly want there? What do I have to do with it?"

"It's a business strategy," informed Henry Mills. He, like other CEOs Felicity had met in her life, had taken the company right out of his father's generous hands. "I want to expand our family business. I want allies. Partners. Queen Consolidated is a powerful company, Miss Smoak."

She tried not to flinch at the familiar name that haunted her. She failed miserably. "Is something wrong?" Henry asked. "When I hired you as the head of the IT Department, I had a mind of giving you a lesser job. You being Oliver Queen's personal assistant caught my attention. I took it you were also a friend to the man, is that right?"

"Yes." Felicity said. "A long time ago."

"I think your presence would be a great addition to the information I want to present to Mr. Queen. He would surely be glad to see an old friend, and gladder still to give a few but precious extra moments of his attention in honor of your friendship. Wouldn't you agree?"

Working at Mills Global had taught Felicity two things: Never eat the food they serve at the cafeteria. And never, ever, try to disagree with Henry Mills.

Pushing down all personal thoughts, the Head of the IT Department smiled, nodded, and breathed in deeply. "I do."

* * *

Henry gave Felicity a day to pack and get things ready for the travel. They would be going to Starling City with the company's private plane, but he didn't wish to delay it any further.

She sat at the window, looking out onto the world beyond. She had been in airplanes more times than she cared to remember, and most of those times she would sleep through the flight or chat with the strangers around her, who were almost always afraid. She liked to calm them down and take their mind off that fear.

She wished someone would do that for her now.

Felicity Smoak wasn't afraid of flying. Felicity Smoak was afraid of Starling City.

It wasn't the city, to be completely honest. She missed a few coffee shops and take-outs. She missed Big Belly Burger. She missed her old apartment, but she wasn't getting that back.

It was the memories, and the people. The person.

It was Oliver Queen and everything she had gone through with him.

She thought it must have been a cosmic joke, really. There weren't that many popular companies in Starling City. In fact, it was pretty much QC and Merlyn Global, but either way, in Felicity's case, it just  _had_  to be QC. It was like the universe was pointing at her and laughing about how stupid she had been for thinking she would ever get over her past.

She never got over it, not really, but she was starting to. She thought less and less about Diggle now. She remembered him only once, maybe twice a day, and it didn't hurt as much. The guilt was still there, though. It still ate at her heart every day, piece by piece, but she started to actually deal with it. She went to see a psychologist once. Felicity had always frowned upon the idea of revealing your secrets to a stranger who studied mental disorders and treated them for a living, but it actually ended up being helpful.

Felicity was, after all, damaged. More damaged than she had been when her father abandoned her and her mother took to bar-tending at Vegas. That didn't turn out very pleasant for a little kid. She got over it, though. She took that as something that would be the inspiration for her need to change things for the better. She would turn a bad childhood into a successful adulthood, she would find the silver lining.

But things were different with John Diggle's death.

She played a part in it, no matter what her therapist said. She knew she did. There would be no forgiving for her because he wasn't alive to say the words.  _I forgive you, Felicity._ That was the only way. But unfortunately, there was no getting there.

"Miss Smoak?" Someone said.

Felicity closed her eyes briefly. She turned away from the window, her eyes meeting the brunette sitting on the opposite side of the corridor.

"Is everything all right?" The woman asked. Felicity tried to remember her name, but it wouldn't come. All she knew was that the woman couldn't be more than 25 years old, and she was Henry's personal assistant.

She tried to give her a believable smile. "Yes. I'm a little nervous, that is all."

"Are you afraid of flying?"

Felicity shook her head. "No, that's not it. I'm just..." She trailed off, not sure how to put her feelings into words that would not reveal too much. "I don't know how Starling City will welcome me back."

The woman blinked, confused. "Back?"

"Oh, yes." Felicity said. "Didn't Henry tell you? I used to work at Queen Consolidated. That's the reason why I'm coming with him to the meeting."

Realization dawned upon the woman's face, and Felicity caught a glimpse of relief. "No, I didn't know." She spoke lowly. "Why did you leave?"

Felicity tried not to flinch, like she always did when Diggle came into her mind's eye. "I guess I needed some time to figure things out." She said, the words tasting wrong in her tongue. "It took longer than I expected."

"Well," The woman started, clearly deciding against asking any more questions, despite her curiosity. "I'm sure you will be fine." _  
_

Felicity could only nod and try to smile. She turned her head and looked out the window again, her heart feeling like it was being squeezed by an invisible hand inside her chest.

* * *

There was a car provided by Queen Consolidated waiting Felicity, Henry and his assistant at the airport. Felicity wasn't aware of the details of the meeting, and Henry Mills didn't look very eager to tell her. He had told her at one point in the airplane that he was looking to make some kind of strategic partnership, but Felicity didn't understand why he would want to do that so far away from Chicago, the place where the company was installed.

Felicity was intelligent, and if she really put her mind to it, she would understand at least a little bit of everything out there, but sometimes she just didn't care. She kept to the IT department and left the business to the businessmen. They could do whatever the hell they wanted, it didn't matter to her as long as she wasn't affected by it.

At that particular time, she  _was_  affected by it. Just not the way that would make her care professionally.

They were dropped off at a hotel, with the promise of another ride the next morning so that the meeting could take place. There would be two meetings, the first with both Felicity and Henry, the second with only Henry and his assistant, over the course of the weekend. It was a Friday night when Felicity finally found herself at her hotel room, and she barely had the energy to prepare an outfit for the next day.

A million different scenarios went through her head, all of them with the same element: Oliver Queen.

After five years, she would have to see him again. After leaving him, after never looking back, she would have to be in the same room with him. She would have to talk to him.

Did he know she was coming? She didn't think so. He would probably have denied to hold the meeting if he knew she was involved.

Oliver probably hated her, and she couldn't blame him for it.

When Felicity left, he called her for days. He left voice-mails and e-mails and text messages, but she never answered him back. The last voice-mail he left her, the very last one, months after she had left, was one of the things that haunted her the most.

_I understand it now. You left. You couldn't handle it. I'm sorry. I don't think I can handle it either, but I'm going to try. I know you'll be trying, too. Far away from Starling, far away from the Arrow... far away from me. Good luck, Felicity. Thank you for all you have done for me. You've changed my life, you know? I... I'm glad I met you. I'm sorry I couldn't change your life the way you changed mine. I'm sorry I only made things worse. I'm sorry. If you ever feel ready, I'll be here waiting._

She never felt ready, though. Five years and she never reached out to him. She wasn't strong enough to do that. She was afraid all the progress she had made would crumble down.

Felicity would find out if she was right the next morning. It didn't happen very often, and surely not in important events, but Felicity prayed to whoever was out there that she was wrong, just this once.

* * *

It took an unbelievable long time for Felicity to get up, considering she hadn't slept at all. She couldn't bring herself to leave her bed, no matter how hard she willed her body to move.

She felt like she was frozen. The fear, the anticipation, the anxiety, it was all keeping her like that, motionless, on a bed that wasn't even hers, on a bed that was being paid by Oliver Queen. She felt sick to her stomach.

Her phone ringed, though, and it was Henry Mills.

"Hello?" Felicity picked up the phone with a lot of effort.

"Ms. Smoak? This is Elizabeth." A familiar voice said.  _So that's her name,_  Felicity thought. "Henry wanted me to call you to make sure you were getting ready for the meeting. He's very nervous."

Felicity took a deep breath, and hoped Elizabeth hadn't heard it through the phone. "I am. I'll be there shortly."

"How's the city treating you so far? Do you feel welcomed back?" Elizabeth asked, something cheerful in her tone.

Felicity fought the urge to breathe deeply again. "I guess it's too early to say that. I'll find that out and get back to you later."

Elizabeth gave her a little laugh and hung up the phone, and Felicity finally found to strength to get up.

Roughly 45 minutes later, Felicity, Henry and Elizabeth were inside Queen Consolidated's car, and not more than 15 minutes later, Felicity was walking into the building that had once been like a second home to her. It hadn't changed at all, Felicity thought, and she even glimpsed at a few familiar faces who only stared at her, not knowing if it was in fact Felicity Smoak returned from the dead, or if they were still groggy from sleep and seeing ghosts.

They took the elevator to reach the floor where the meeting would be held. Not surprisingly, it was Oliver's office. She looked at her old desk from five years ago, and found it empty. Her heart contracted inside her chest.

There was a woman inside his office, holding a black briefcase Felicity suspected was Oliver's. She smiled brightly, and walked over the door, opening it.

"Welcome, Mr. Mills. Ms. Turner." She smiled as Henry and Elizabeth walked in. "Ms. Smoak, welcome back."

"Thank you." Felicity said, her voice not once failing, despite how dry her mouth felt.

"I'm Melissa Wright, Mr. Queen's personal assistant. Mr. Queen will be with you shortly."

Felicity walked over to the big glass window, drowning out Melissa Wright's voice, remembering how once upon a time she had gone through one of these with Oliver holding onto her. She looked outside, trying to appear as if she were merely enjoying the view, while in reality she was trying her best to compose herself. She took deep, slow breaths, and held on to her purse tighter than it was needed.

_Be a professional, Felicity. You're here for your company, for your boss. This is nothing. This will be over quicker than you'll realize. You'll go back to the hotel and wait until you can leave Monday morning. It's all right. It's nothing._

She repeated those words two more times, before she heard Melissa's cheerful voice one more time, clear as day. "Here he comes."

Felicity didn't turn. Her heart was beating so quickly she could hear it, and it wouldn't surprise her if everyone else could too. She swallowed with an effort, and tried repeating her words again, but she had already forgotten them. The door opened.

"I'm sorry I'm late." Oliver said.

Felicity felt like her legs were about to give out under her. His voice, that voice, she missed it, oh God, she missed it more than she thought she did. She closed her eyes.

"Welcome to Queen Consolidated, Mr. Mills. It's a pleasure to have you here."

"The pleasure is mine." Henry said. "This is Elizabeth Turner, my assistant. And that is Felicity Smoak, the head of my IT department. I trust you remember her."

Felicity could swear she his breath getting caught in his throat.

It's now or never, she thought. She turned around.

Her eyes met his, and for a second everything around her happened in slow motion. His eyes widened a little, subtly, his mouth hung open in midway gasp. A thousand emotions could be seen in his eyes. Eyes she loved once. Eyes that made her feel self-conscious and flushed, brave and willing, comforted and safe. He looked terrified, he looked confused, he looked amazed. It was everything all at once, and Felicity thought he would either yell at her to get out or hug her any second now.

Then it was gone. He blinked, his shoulders went stiff, and then he smiled at Henry Mills.

"I do remember her. It's nice to see you again, Ms. Smoak."

* * *

_Look ahead, not behind, I keep saying_  
 _There's no place to go where you're not there_  
 _On your rope, I hold tight, but it's freeing_


	2. Come Home

CHAPTER TWO

_There's someone I've been missing_  
 _I think that they could be t_ _he better half of me_  
 _They're in the wrong place trying to make it right_  
 _But I'm tired of justifying_  
 _So I say to you, come home, come home_  
 _Cause I've been waiting for you  
_ _For so long, for so long_

* * *

Knowing how to handle things professionally and successfully under stressful circumstances was one of Felicity's special talents. She worked well under stress, and in fact, Felicity had realized that it actually brought out the best in her. It made her more driven, creative enough to come up with new and unexpected solutions when it looked like there were none, more determined to succeed.

It all failed during that one meeting, though. They all were sitting on the chairs of Oliver's office, since this first meeting wasn't supposed to be the official one, and it took Felicity all her self-control not to fidget with the first thing she could get her hands on, or worse: run away and never look back. She noted, with a humorless mental laugh, that that was also one of her special talents.

She barely understood a word of what was being said. At one point, all eyes turned to her but Oliver's, and Felicity realized they were discussing her work at Mills Global, and how it would also benefit from the partnership.

"I have no doubt Miss Smoak is doing an excellent job at your company, Mr. Mills. She never once let me down while working here at Queen Consolidated."

_Right, I never disappointed you._ Felicity thought.  _At Queen Consolidated._

She couldn't help but notice he didn't look at her. Not once after the first time their eyes met, not even a sideways glance or a quick look while he talked about her. It was like those were all rehearsed words, like he knew exactly what he was supposed to say and didn't need to think about it at all, not even shift his eyes for a second's inspiration.

Inspiration. Felicity would probably never inspire Oliver Queen. She may have inspired him once, she may have helped him realize he was a hero and not a killer. But that was a long time ago, and things had changed. John Diggle died for her. She abandoned Oliver. Whatever they may have felt one day, whatever she  _did_  feel five years ago, it didn't matter anymore.

She heard the people in the room getting up, and she realized with an almost overwhelming relief that the meeting was over.

"Thank you for your time, Mr. Queen." Henry said, shaking Oliver's hand. "I look forward to solidifying what we've discussed tomorrow."

"It was my pleasure, Mr. Mills. I look forward to that as well."

Elizabeth was already at the door, smiling at Melissa, who held it open. Felicity followed after her as quickly as she could, without drawing attention.

Elizabeth looked at her as if she was about to ask her something, but she must have seen something in Felicity's eyes that made her think twice about it. Felicity had no idea what it was, and hoped it wasn't anything too obvious, but she took that opportunity to walk out Oliver's office. She heard footsteps behind her, but she didn't care. She walked to the elevator and pushed the button, refusing to look away from the closed doors staring back at her.

She could hear Henry and Oliver's conversation getting closer. Her heart was pounding once again. Elizabeth was next to her, she thought, but she didn't look to check. The doors opened and she got in, walking to the left corner of the small space, praying Oliver wouldn't get in as well.

Henry walked in with a big smile on his face, and thanked Oliver once again.

Felicity, being as dumb as only her past self would be, thought she was safe, and looked up while letting out a breath she had been holding. She caught Oliver's eyes, and at that moment, there was only one emotion written all over it, so obvious she wondered if the other people around her could read it too: hurt.

The doors closed, and Felicity nearly dropped to the floor. Steadying herself on the wall, she closed her eyes.

"Are you okay?" Elizabeth asked.

For the first time in her life, Felicity wanted to snap at someone who had absolutely nothing to do with what was going on her head. It was wrong, it was not Felicity at all, so she pushed it down and got a hold of herself and her unprofessional emotions. "I'm fine."

Elizabeth may not have been fooled by it, but she didn't press the issue any further, and Felicity was as glad as she could be at the moment.

They left the building in the same Queen Consolidated car, and Felicity didn't say a word during the entire way. She looked out the window, seeing the streets and the people going on about their lives, trying as hard as she could not to think of Oliver, of how cold he seemed at first, of how hurt he seemed in the end. She couldn't decide which one was real, which one was worse. She didn't expect him to greet her with hugs, don't be mistaken. But she hoped against hope he wouldn't hate her, hoped she wouldn't make him feel anything that was less than content, because Oliver Queen had been hurt too much, much more than he deserved, and to be the one inflicting that pain was more than she could take.

It was stupid, though. She deserved it, after all. It was expected, deep down she knew it. What she did wasn't right. She should have called him back. She shouldn't have left, actually. She screwed things up and she should own up to it, face the consequences of her actions. She chose to do what she did willingly, consciously, knowing what it meant and what it could lead to. No one held a gun to her head and made her leave him.

She knew all that, and yet she could only cower under the hurt in his eyes, and it was what it was. She didn't know what to do and she realized that all her progress had, in fact, crumbled down. It seemed worse somehow. It wasn't just guilt over John Diggle's death, now. It was guilt over leaving. Guilt she already had, but it wasn't as bad before because she wasn't there for the downfall. She didn't see anything, she didn't know anything. No harm, no foul.

She saw it now. She knew it now, and there was so, so much harm, she wasn't sure she could recover this time.

* * *

Felicity didn't remember walking into the hotel or going up to her room. Her hands shook terribly and her head was pounding. She found herself on her bed, under the covers, the black dress she had worn to the meeting on the floor. There were tears streaming down her face and she wiped at them hastily, hating herself for crying. She didn't deserve the right to be sad, because she was the one who caused Oliver's hurt and Diggle's death. She shouldn't be blaming herself either, a part of her mind tried to tell her, but she ignored it.

For a second she considered calling her therapist. She hadn't been to a session in a year and a half now, but she kept her phone number on her phone in case of emergencies. That was an emergency, without a doubt.

She didn't want her therapist to know how many steps back Felicity had just taken. After her sessions she felt like she had taken four or five steps ahead, yet now she felt like she had just gone back fifteen.

She felt ashamed. She thought she was strong. She obviously wasn't.

Something tickled at the back of her mind, then. Something she had heard a long time ago in her very first session.

_Things happen. Life happens. You feel sad, ashamed, guilty, miserable, and then life happens again and you think you've moved on. You haven't, not really, and the thought that you can ever move on from something bad in your life is a lie. A trick. What you can do, though, is find a way to live through the sadness and the shame and the guilt, so you don't have to be miserable anymore. You don't have to let the bad things define you or bring you down. You just have to accept that the bad things happened. They're there, in your past, and sometimes in your present, and you can't change them. You just have to deal with them. It's scary, it's the scariest thing that you can think of, but it's possible. You just have to work for it._

It had sounded so wrong at first. Felicity couldn't understand the idea that people find a way to live with the bad things that they've been through, or the bad things that they've done to other people. She thought it was impossible, but she didn't say anything, because even though she was smart and stubborn, she didn't want to argue with a therapist. It intimidated her. So she swallowed it down and made it her own personal goal to move on.

But now she knew she was wrong. Oh, she was so wrong. Moving on isn't a thing, not really. Moving on is an idea, it's a trick. Exactly as her therapist said. Living with the guilt, that's another thing, that's the  _real_  thing, and accepting it took more than what Felicity had been willing to give. _  
_

So she got up from her bed, picked her dress off of the floor and put it back on, picking up her purse while she headed for the door. She had to work for it. She had to face her past and her present and she had to work for it, even if it scared her nearly to death. Felicity Smoak wasn't a coward.

* * *

Felicity took a cab to Queen Consolidated, thinking her resolve would crumble down under her when she reached the elevator. She was only half right. There was a drumming on her ears, which she suspected was her heart pounding, and she could feel the slight tremor of her hands, but she was still determined.

She walked out of the elevator and found Melissa now sat down at her old table, with only a computer in front of her.

"Miss Smoak? What are you doing here?" Melissa said, a tone of uncertainty on her voice.

"I'm here to see Oliver. Not as Miss Smoak, this time." She tried her best to smile despite her nerves. "Just Felicity. A friend."

Melissa blinked and took a few seconds to answer. "Mr. Queen, he's just... sitting there. I don't know what happened to him. I've tried talking to him but he just won't answer."

Felicity swallowed down the panic rising in her throat. "Can you leave us alone, please? I'll talk to him."

"Miss Smoak, I-"

"Please. It won't take long."

Melissa looked reluctantly from Oliver's office to Felicity. "Fine." She said, getting up. "I have a few errands to run, anyway. Please tell him that if he needs me, he can call. This job is very important to me, Miss Smoak."

"I will. Don't worry."

Melissa got up, and Felicity watched as she walked into the elevator.

The words came out of her mouth before she could stop them. "Is this your table? Do you use it?"

Melissa turned, looking confused. "No, it's not mine. Mr. Queen won't let me. He only lets me use it when I have to sit down to use a computer to schedule something."

"Oh." Was all Felicity could say.

Melissa turned back to the elevator. She got in and the doors closed, and Felicity took a deep breath. She walked to the door of his office, her heels clinking annoyingly on the floor.

She stopped for a few seconds in front of the door, took another deep breath, then opened it.

Oliver was sitting on his chair, which was now in front of the glass window. He had his back turned to her, and for a moment she considered turning back and getting under her covers of her hotel bed again. He probably didn't even hear her coming in.

"I thought you couldn't wait to get away from me." He said, and Felicity realized, once again, how dumb she could be sometimes. Of course he heard her. He hadn't once been a town vigilante for nothing.

She looked around, debating on whether or not she should sit for this. He didn't turn to look at her, though, so she decided to keep standing. "You thought right, actually."

Oliver didn't move. "So why are you back?"

"Because I realized that I  _have_  to talk to you. I'm ready."

"It's been five years." Oliver said, barely above a whisper.

"I know." Felicity wished it didn't sound as stupid for him as it did for her.

"And you're ready  _now_?"

Felicity took an involuntary step back at the anger in his voice. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for." The anger was gone now. Did she imagine it?

"I do, though. I have so much to apologize for."

Oliver finally turned his chair and met her eyes. They held the same hurt she saw not so long ago when she was inside the elevator. He seemed to be waiting for her to say something, so she took a deep breath and began.

"I'm sorry I left. I didn't know what to do, Oliver. We stopped Slade and it was amazing. It was what Diggle would have wanted us to do, and I know he would also want us to keep saving the city and stopping criminals, but I just couldn't do it. He  _died_. And Lyla, she was alone, half proud of Diggle for dying to protect a friend, half angry and miserable and lonely. It wasn't fair, it wasn't, he died for me, and we had a plan. We had a stupid plan and we forgot to tell him and he went there to save me. My fault. Our fault. And I couldn't deal with it." Felicity looked at Oliver, but he was now looking down at his hands. It didn't matter, though. She was already halfway there.

"Wherever Diggle is now, I just  _know_  he's angry at me. I know he's angry because I left, because I never talked to you again, because I gave up on everything that held true meaning in our lives, but I can't do anything about it. I only feel the guilt, and the pain, and I want to move on. I wanted to. But there's no moving on. There's only the acceptance and the living with it, and that's what I have to work on. That's why I'm here. Because I want to apologize for leaving and I want you to know that I think about you every single day. You, Diggle, Roy, Thea, even Laurel. I think about this city every day and I think about you, all the time, because I left you when you needed me the most and I hate myself for it, but it's done. You're angry, you hate me, but I can't change it." Felicity's throat felt dry for what felt like the thousandth time that day. _  
_

"What I can do, what I'm trying to do, is find some peace. I can't apologize to Diggle because he's gone, and I can't apologize to Lyla because she has no idea what really happened and I know she deserves to know, but I can't tell her. There's so many things I can't do, all because I'm weak, I know. But what I can do is apologize to you. And this is it, this is my apology, and it sounds confusing and possibly contradictory in many ways, but it's what I can give you now. I'm sorry, Oliver."

Felicity realized she was crying, then. She wiped her cheeks and tried to get her breathing under control. Oliver raised his eyes and met her gaze, and his eyes were glistening.

Oliver smiled sadly. "I missed you." His voice cracked, and Felicity's heart nearly broke. "I've felt so many things during these five years, Felicity. So many. But I missed you the most."

"Oliver-"

"I'm not angry at you. I could never be angry at you, Felicity. Everything that happened, it hit me  _so_  hard. And I had been through so much already, as horrible as it sounds, I was used to tragedies. I couldn't and I still can't even begin to think of how hard it must have been for  _you_. I don't blame you for leaving, I don't blame you for anything, not really."

"You're hurt."

"Of course I am. You did leave me, and I understood it, but I wanted you to talk to me. I wanted you to let me be there for you, like you were always there for me. But angry? Or, or  _hate_? Hate you?" He made it sound like the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard in his entire life. "No, Felicity,  _never_."

He got up from his chair, and took a small step towards her, almost as if he were afraid of being too close. "Diggle was so brave. He wanted to protect you from Slade, like I should have done. It really was a stupid plan and I put you in danger and I didn't warn him. That was my fault. He called me."

Felicity's heart skipped a beat. "What?"

"He called me. I talked to him while he..." He trailed off. "I told him. I asked him what he was doing there and I said I had a plan, and he laughed and cursed me and said I should have warned him before he left. I asked what was happening and he said he had an arrow sticking out of his stomach and that he would be dead in minutes. I told him I was coming, that I would call an ambulance for him, but he told me not to waste a single minute. He told me to go and meet Slade and stick to the plan and tell Lyla he loved her."

There were more tears falling from Felicity's eyes. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"I called the ambulance for him, but they couldn't save him." He said, his voice raw with emotion. "I didn't know you were blaming yourself like this. I wanted to tell you about this either way, though, but not through a voice-mail or a text message. I never got the chance."

A small sob escaped from her lips, and Oliver's arms were around her before she could blink. She buried herself against his chest and shut her eyes tightly. She tried to stop crying but the tears kept on coming. She had cried over Diggle's death enough times, but this was different. This wasn't just sadness or guilt. This was relief, too. And this was Oliver's arms around her, and the prospect of finally having some closure, finally learning how to live with the pain.

"Felicity." Oliver whispered, and Felicity realized right then and there how much she missed him saying her name.

She detached herself from his arms with an effort, and wiped at her eyes. "I miss him."

"I miss him, too." Oliver wiped a tear still falling down her cheek.

"And I miss you." Felicity said, her voice a whisper. She felt so vulnerable, and yet at the same time the strongest she had felt in the last five years.

"Don't leave me again, then. Stay."

Felicity closed her eyes and shook her head. "Oliver, I can't."

"Felicity-"

"I have a life in Chicago. A job. I don't have a lot of friends, that's not exactly news, but..."

"You can have a job here, too. And a life. With me."

Felicity tried not to think too hard on what he meant by that. "I  _can't_. What you told me, about Dig, it changes things. For the better. But I still can't stay here, Oliver. There are too many memories, too much hurt. I left because of Diggle but I stayed because of me."

Oliver looked desperate. "I love you."

Felicity's breath got caught in her throat. "No."

"Yes." He took her hand in his. "Yes."

" _No_. I've changed, Oliver. You don't know me anymore, you don't- No."

"Of course I know you. I loved you five years ago. Six years ago. I meant it, that night, when it was supposed to be just a plan, I already meant it. And I love you now. I never stopped. I gave up on being the Arrow because you weren't there. Laurel got married, Roy and Thea are engaged, and I'm here, because there's no one else for me but you. I love you, I'll never stop loving you, and I need you."

Felicity felt dizzy and sick, and she feared she could pass out any minute. "I'm sorry, Oliver."

"I  _know_  you love me. I know."

"Please, don't." Felicity's voice was barely a whisper.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me, Felicity." He gripped her hand firmly, yet gently.

She looked. She tried to get the words out. I don't love you. But they weren't true, were they? All this time, Felicity worried about how much Oliver probably hated her, about how alone he must have been after she left. She regretted leaving  _him_ , not the city or her job or even the Arrow thing, no, it was all him. She loved him before, too, and she never truly stopped love him, but it was different now. She was too different and too damaged and now she had something, a small comfort to help her live with the pain, but it didn't help much. She was too far gone.

"I'm not the Felicity you knew once, Oliver. I don't babble. I don't blush at silly little sexual innuendos that escape from my mouth once every two hours. I focus on my work and I try to go through a day without thinking about my past. These five years, they were  _my_  Island. And as much as I wish I could go back from that, I can't. I spent way too long feeling miserable and undeserving of the littlest bit of happiness. I can't go back to the way I was before that in the blink of an eye."

Oliver looked at her with big green eyes, once again full of hurt, and it made Felicity hate herself all over again.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." Oliver blinked and tears fell down his eyes. She wiped one of them out with a shaking hand. "I should never have come here. I'm sorry, I keep making things worse. I promise you, you won't have to see me again, Oliver Queen." She smiled sadly, like she was so well-accustomed to. "You'll move on and be happy and remember me once in a while, and I'll try and be happy too, because this is what I came here to do. I came to apologize and to allow myself to heal. Heal for me, Oliver. Be happy."

He took her hand in his and touched his forehead to hers. "I love you."

She thought for a second he was going to kiss her. She wanted to. She wanted that for so long, she couldn't understand how she had gone through five years of not even reading about him, because right now just the thought of leaving that office made her feel like she was about to break into a million pieces. She wanted him so much, and she loved him and missed him more than she could put into words.

Yet she couldn't. Just because you want something, it doesn't mean you can have it.

She took a step backward and met his gaze one last time before walking away.

And like five years ago, there was no looking back. No goodbye. It was better that way. It was the only way she knew, after all.

* * *

_Everything I can't be_  
 _Is everything you should be_  
 _And that's why I need you here_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouch. I just couldn't wait to post this chapter. Leave kudos and comment, please? It means a lot to me. Thank you!


	3. Gravity

CHAPTER THREE

_Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile_   
_When I thought that I was strong._   
_But you touch me for a little while_   
_And all my fragile strength is gone_

* * *

Sunday morning, Felicity Smoak hid under the covers of her hotel bed and tried as hard as she could not to think of Oliver Queen. She failed miserably.

He was most likely with Henry Mills and Elizabeth Turner, and she feared the events of the past night would make him deny the partnership, until she remembered  _Oliver Queen_  wouldn't do that. He was the strongest person she knew. He wouldn't let anything, not even his personal feelings, interfere on his performance as CEO. He had lost the company once, and she wasn't there to see him fighting to get it back, yet he did it anyway. All alone.

She thought back to the things he told her Saturday afternoon. I love you. Don't leave me again. I love you. She thought about Diggle's last words, about the fact he died knowing it was all a plan, died asking not to be saved so the plan wouldn't be affected. Brave John Diggle, whom she would always, always miss. She hoped there was truly a Heaven or somewhere else out there where he could be happy, reunited with his brother and in peace, finally.

And Oliver, again, telling her he loved her, asking her not to leave him. That kept playing over and over on her mind, like a broken record made to taunt her. In her heart of hearts, she had never truly stopped loving him. She had tried going on dates, tried really hard to find someone else out there, but nothing ever worked. She figured she subconsciously always compared them to Oliver. It was safe to say he had been her first real love. There was something there she had never felt before, and she was aware of that before she left, ignored it while she was away, and had to face it again now that she was back.

Maybe you really only had one person in your life. The one, they called it. Even when it couldn't work out.

She checked her phone, and there were two missed calls from Elizabeth. If it had been Henry, she would be worried. She didn't even remember she had Elizabeth's number, though, and the fact she only called twice made her sure it wasn't very important.

Felicity couldn't get out of her bed, and she didn't even waste her time trying. She figured she would lay down in there until the next morning, when she would finally go back to Chicago and put all of this behind her.

Not that she was completely miserable, though. There was something about seeing Oliver again, finally finding the courage to tell him everything she had pushed down all these years and listening to his own words that made her feel different. Like there had been a weight on her shoulders all this time, and she was finally freed from it.

It wasn't closure, but it was enough to start figuring out how to live with it.

With a part of it, at least.

Now, with her feelings for Oliver reawakened, she had no doubt that there would be a new battle. She could do it, though. She hoped she could, at least.

Her phone buzzed again. This time it was Henry.

She brought the phone to her right ear. "Yes?"

"Ms. Smoak. I haven't seen you since the meeting yesterday. Is everything okay?"

"Oh, yes, everything's fine." She lied. "How did the official meeting go?"

"It went unsurprisingly well. I knew Oliver Queen wouldn't miss this opportunity."

Felicity fought down the urge to snicker at the tone of his voice. "I'm glad."

"Well, I am only calling to check you'll be ready for tomorrow. We leave at 8."

"I will."

"Good." He said, and the line went dead.

Felicity stuck her phone under her pillow once again, and tried to will herself to get up. She didn't have much to do, not really. She thought she would feel the need to go around the city, maybe call Roy, go to Big Belly Burger, but she felt more tired than she thought she would, and she'd give anything not to get up from that bed. Not ever.

Still, Felicity Smoak couldn't do that. She had to push through. She had to march on.

She got up, then, and lazily got herself as ready as she possibly could. She finally took our her contacts and chose to wear her glasses, pulling her hair up in a ponytail. She looked herself in the mirror and couldn't help but note how much she looked like her old self. The happy Felicity, the Felicity who always embarrassed herself in front of others. The Felicity who would never leave Oliver.

She had grown since then, and she had to admit it was not all bad. She had become more mature, serious, focused. That wasn't a bad thing. She still yearned for her old self sometimes, the hacking and the helping a vigilante and the hope she always had, no matter how hopeless it all seemed. Yet maybe, just maybe, the fact that she could still find something good in all this, proved she wasn't all that far gone.

* * *

Felicity found herself in front of Big Belly Burger. It had gotten bigger, and there were definitely more people in there than she was used to five years ago. She didn't feel hungry, and yet she ordered the food she was so used to having in the past.

She thought back to the times she had been there with Diggle. It was his favorite place to eat. Less so after his break-up with Carly, but he would never really give up on his beloved burgers. She laughed silently at the memory, while she settled in a booth and scanned her eyes through the menu.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw someone approaching her. She figured it would be a waitress, but in reality, it was someone she never thought she would see again.

"Felicity Smoak?" It was a voice Felicity recognized, despite the fact she barely ever gave the person a single thought all this time.

Felicity looked up from her menu. "Laurel." She said, smiling despite herself. She got up, and felt Laurel's arms around her, while she rubbed her back and said, "Wow, it's so nice to see you!". They let go of each other and Felicity went back to her seat.

"Do you want to sit?" Felicity asked.

"Yes!" Laurel took the seat in front of Felicity, resting a brown bag with the Big Belly Burger logo on the table. "I'm getting some food." She said, pointing to the bag. "I can't believe you're here, it's been so long!"

"It really has been a long time." Felicity couldn't help but look around longingly. "I missed this place."

"So, how's your life?" Laurel smiled brightly.

Felicity racked her brain for an answer. "It's good, you know. I have an amazing job at Chicago. That's why I'm here, actually. For work." She felt compelled to emphasize it. "I heard you got married."

Laurel gave her another bright smile, and pointed to a ring on her finger. "Yes. He's amazing. His name is Matt."

"I'm happy for you." said Felicity, truthfully. Laurel had been through enough, she deserved some happiness.

"How about you?"

"Hm?" Felicity looked at her.

"Have you found anyone in the windy city?" She raised her eyebrows, smiling knowingly.

Felicity hoped she didn't look as horrified as she felt. "No! I'm... single."

Laurel narrowed her eyes, but thankfully dropped the subject. "I remember why you left, Felicity." Her voice dropped a little. "I hope you found what you were looking for."

Felicity wanted to lie, but there was something on the other woman's eyes that made her want to speak the truth for a change. "I'm not sure about that."

"I know it's hard."

"It feels even harder." She breathed out the words almost all at once.

Laurel looked sympathetic. "Is that why you're here?"

"Here as in Starling City or here as in Big Belly Burger?" She raised her eyebrows and Laurel smiled. "I don't know, Laurel. If I'm going to be honest with you, I don't even know what I feel anymore. I found out some things... They change everything. At least they're supposed to anyway, because I'm so confused I don't know if I feel any different."

Laurel looked as if she was debating on saying something or not. "Have you... Have you been to see Oliver?"

Felicity tensed. "My work thing was a meeting at QC. I saw him, yes."

"Did you  _talk_  to him?" Laurel asked, with some caution.

"Yes."

Laurel nodded. "You know, I hope whatever it is you told each other gives you both some closure."

"Us both?" Felicity's curiosity got the best of her.

Laurel sighed. "Felicity, I know Oliver. I've known him for what feels like forever. Ever since you left... He hasn't been the same. I thought at first it was because of Diggle, but it's been five years, and we've talked about things. About Diggle, at least, because he never once mentioned you. And I think there's something there. I'm sure there's something there."

Felicity felt strange, and yet Laurel's words woke something up in her that had been asleep for five years. The familiarity of Laurel, which hadn't really been so present back in the day, made her listen to the words in a way she never listened to anyone else's before.

"I can't blame you for leaving. God knows I made mistakes when Tommy died, I can't judge you for moving away. I still feel his loss, it's with me everywhere I go, but I learned to live with it. And I think Oliver lives with John's death. He found a way to do that. He just couldn't learn to live without you."

Felicity's breath got caught in her throat. "Diggle died because of me."

"I thought Tommy died because of me. And he did, I accept that now. But it was his choice to save me. All I could possibly do was find a way to live, even if it hurt, because Tommy died so that I could still be here and I couldn't let his sacrifice go to waste. And that's what I'm still doing. Every day I wake up and I think that the only reason I'm breathing is because Tommy gave up his life for mine. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. I'm not going to waste a single minute, a single second of my life. I'm going to honor Tommy the only way I know how: by  _living_."

"I have a job, a life in Chicago." Felicity tried, but her voice came barely above a whisper. Was she trying to convince Laurel, or herself?

"Does it make you happy?"

Felicity couldn't answer.

"John would want you to live  _happily_ , and not far away from the ones that love you, while you feel guilty and miserable all the time. Trust me, I know how tempting that sounds. You feel like you don't deserve to be happy, but you do. That's why someone gave their life for you. So that you could keep yours, and do something good with it."

It didn't take long for Felicity to realize she was crying. "Wow."

Laurel smiled. "I know, right? If my five years ago self could see me now..."

Felicity laughed through her tears. "She'd be very, very proud."

* * *

It was strange being in the Queen's mansion front door again. The last time she had been there, John Diggle had an arrow protruding from his stomach, falling to the floor on his knees while he smiled at her.

She felt a shiver run through her, and she held her arms around herself. Felicity had no idea what she was doing there. Laurel's words made her rethink her actions, yes, but she couldn't possibly be considering leaving everything she had in Chicago for him, could she?

She was, though.

And a part of her made it sound like the most ridiculous thing she had ever thought of. Ever.

And the other part felt like this is what she was always meant to do. This was her endgame. She was ready. Oliver had told her once through a voice-mail to talk to him when she was ready, and she thought she was the day before at his office, but it took Laurel's words to finally,  _finally_  make her truly ready.

Grieving for five years was something Felicity didn't think possible. She used to think she had to be crazy, she had to be having a mental breakdown little by little every day, but she understood it now. She wasn't  _only_  grieving for John. She was yearning for the life she had. For Oliver. She left a piece of herself in Starling City, and how can someone heal if they're still not whole?

She ringed the doorbell with shaking hands.

The waiting was the worst part. It couldn't have been more than 30 seconds, and yet it felt like five more years. Twice she found herself taking a step backwards. If she ran, she could still go back. Then she would go home the next morning, and she could pretend nothing ever happened.

But was Chicago really her home?

She doubted that.

The door opened and she jumped. The person opening the door jumped, too.

"Felicity?" It was Thea Queen.

Thea had grown. She looked more like a woman then, unlike the teenager she had been when Felicity left, yet she felt more familiar than Felicity's made-up life in Chicago. She couldn't help smiling. "Thea."

Thea hugged her tightly. When they broke apart, she had the biggest smile on her face Felicity had ever seen. "He's in his room."

Felicity couldn't help but furrow her eyebrows. Thea simply rolled her eyes and said, "We'll talk later."

She disappeared into the hallways, and Felicity nervously closed the door behind her. She still knew where Oliver's room was, even though she had never been inside it.

Felicity made her way into the mansion, noting that aside from a few new paintings on the walls, it looked the way it had the last time she had been there. Although, if you really count the last  _last_  time, it had been empty, so she was glad to see they had settled in again as if Isabel Rochev had never happened.

She stopped in front of his door. Felicity made her hand into a fist, her nails digging in her palms, and knocked lightly on the door, waiting for a reply.

"Come in." Oliver said.

Felicity's heart nearly leaped out of her chest. She opened his door, and saw him sitting on the edge of his bed, possibly checking something on his phone.

"Who was it at the door?" He asked, not looking up. She took one last deep breath before closing the door behind her and speaking.

"Me."

Oliver froze visibly, and Felicity tensed. He looked up from the phone, and then he got up, taking two steps forward before stopping short. His phone had disappeared out of his hand, Felicity noticed, but she barely had time to try and find out where it was, because Oliver spoke up.

"I thought you couldn't wait to get away from me. Again." There was a light humor on his voice, yet he still looked tense, almost as if he was afraid of the reason why Felicity was standing there.

Felicity hadn't given much thought to what exactly she would tell him. She was too busy trying to keep her breath under control all the way from Big Belly Burger to his house.

"You were wrong this time." It was so stupid, but Felicity couldn't concentrate. Her heart was pounding against her ears, her hands were shaking on her sides.

He took another step forward, and stopped. His eyes searched her face for something, anything, but all she could do was stare at him and swallow down tightly.  _Get a grip, Felicity. Do this for Oliver, for yourself, and for Diggle._

And it was truly amazing, really, how it felt like Diggle was in the back of her mind telling her to go ahead and speak up already, giving her strength she needed.

"I talked to Laurel." Felicity blurted out, finally. "She made me realize some things. I think she changed my entire perspective on life in a matter of ten minutes. She's the last person I ever thought would help me like that."

"What did she say?"

"She told me a lot of things, Oliver, but they're not important. Not right now."

Oliver seemed to grasp the seriousness in her tone, and he took one more step forward. If she reached out her arm, she would be able to touch him. She wanted him to be closer, but she couldn't move.

"I love you too." Felicity finally said, after five long years away from him, after keeping those words down even when she still saw him every day. "I want to be happy. I don't think I can be happy if I'm away from you, Oliver. I tried and it didn't work."

Oliver's eyes were locked on hers. "I ran away because I was afraid and I felt guilty and I couldn't deal with it, but I was never really happy. I thought it was all because of Diggle, all because he died for me, but it wasn't. It was because of you, too. It was because I abandoned you and because I needed you there, but I was too proud and scared and stupid to reach out. I spent five years of my life punishing myself, running away from anyone who even cared to ask me how I was feeling with real interest, because I thought I didn't deserve it. And maybe, maybe I do. Maybe I deserve something good in my life now, now that I can see what all those five years meant, now that I can allow myself to heal. I love you, and I'm tired of pretending I don't. I missed you more than anything, and I love you."

Felicity barely had time to suck in a breath before Oliver moved forward, put both his hands on her face and captured her lips in a kiss.

Nothing, not one thing she had ever experienced in her life, compared to having Oliver's mouth on hers, his hands on her body, his smell filling her nose and making her dizzy with all the emotions running wildly in her entire being. She put her hands on his chest, closed a fist on his shirt and pulled him as close as she could, and she could feel the heat of his body through her clothes. He kissed her fiercely yet passionately, like she always imagined it would be, except there was so much longing in that kiss that it made her head spin.

She loved him so much. She had never stopped. Having him there, holding him close, made her feel truly happy, something she had long forgotten what it felt like. She could see stars on her closed eyelids, and her heart was beating so quickly she could hear it, and when she rested her hand on his chest, she could feel his heart beating in sync with hers. It made her love him even more, if that was still possible.

She wanted him.  _Wanted_  him, more than anything, she wanted to touch him every where and look at him and touch him, touch him, she wanted him to touch her too and hold her close and never let her go. She would never let him go again.

He picked her up and walked her to his bed, dropping her gently and kissing her again, on top of her.

"Oliver." She murmured, and he stopped, looking at her. He was breathless, his face flushed, and she had never seen anything so beautiful. "I love you."

He smiled, the smile reaching his eyes in a way that made her reconsider her earlier statement. "I love you." He said it back, and ran a thumb across her cheek, which made her realize she had been crying. She smiled. She never thought she would cry tears of joy again. Never thought she would smile like this, never thought she would feel this kind of happiness, this peace that made her feel like she was floating.

How did she live without him? How did she find the strength to leave him?

He kissed her again, and she knew right then and there that whatever it was that made it possible for her to leave, would never, ever happen again.

* * *

_You're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.  
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!!!! Chapter 2 wasn't the end. I'm so sorry if it felt like it!!! I'm still learning how to use AO3. I usually only post one-shots so I think I epic failed right there.
> 
> Anyway. Next there's an epilogue, which is full of rainbows and unicorns because I just couldn't resist, I'm just gonna put this out here.
> 
> I hope you guys like what I did with Laurel here. I felt the need to show her as a mature, grown woman, as opposed to what we've seen in season two. I loved her in season one and I like to believe that this is who she'll grow to be in the future. Her words came from a place of experience, and if you really take into account Tommy's death on the show and Dig's death in this fic, they're similar, and I wanted to use that.
> 
> She is a lawyer after all. Felicity needed someone to convince her of a few things, and Laurel's talents were brought into light!!
> 
> Please let me know what you think. I hope you guys like this, I'm very proud of this fanfiction and the response has been amazing. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.


	4. Epilogue

EPILOGUE  
 _Two Years Later_

Felicity Smoak hated Monday mornings.

She hated hearing her alarm go off at 7AM, hated getting up from her warm, comfortable bed to get into a shower, realize she was running late, and then get ready so quickly she sometimes forgot to eat.

Of course, things were quite different now.

Now she was married to the CEO of the company she worked at. Now she woke up with him next to her, every day, and if she felt lazy he would always tell her to stay in bed a few more minutes. "It's not like I'm going to fire you for being late, Felicity.", he would always say.

But Felicity Smoak was a professional. She had a reputation at work, and it had nothing to do with the fact she was Oliver Queen's wife.

"Just ten more minutes, Felicity." He murmured next to her, while she sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing her eyes.

"No way." She said. "It's time to get up now, Oliver."

She decided not to get up right away, and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. "Come on."

He grunted, but turned his face to hers. "Good morning." He said, blinking lazily.

She smiled, that way she only did when she was with him. "Morning."

He reached to her, most likely to kiss her, but she was out of his reach before he could do anything about it. "No kisses for you until you're ready to go."

Oliver grunted again, burying his face on the pillows, but a few moments later he was out of their bed. "That actually works."

Felicity shrugged. "Obviously."

He walked over to the bathroom, but not before catching her by surprise and holding her by the waist firmly against him, bringing his lips to hers. She kissed him back, feeling a smile on lips, and felt his grip relaxing around her. She took the opportunity to break away and shove his chest playfully, giggling like a schoolgirl with a crush. "Go."

Oliver winked at her, gave her one last peck on her lips, and headed for the bathroom.

* * *

Working for a Starling City vigilante again after she came back and moved in with Oliver the day before she went to his house - Oliver didn't want to wait anymore, he said, because he had already spent five years away from her, and she didn't disagree with him, not even a little bit - was definitely challenging.

She hadn't hacked security databases in a while, but it didn't take her too long to get back into it.

It was a good life, really. A happy life, one she was sure Diggle would be proud of. Oliver asked her to marry him six months into their official relationship. He went back to being the Arrow, too, and Roy, who had taken over the vigilante business of Starling City during those five years Oliver was idle, joined forces with him. Felicity was surprised to find out even Thea helped them occasionally, despite their protests and need to keep her safe.

They married six months after the engagement. Oliver wanted things to be official sooner, but since he had made her the Head of the IT Department a month after she came back to Starling City pretty much out of nowhere, Felicity wanted some time to make an image at Queen Consolidated without any rumors that didn't bother her as much as they once did, but that held some meaning to her still. The old woman who held her position previously was now working at Hills Global, with a very satisfied boss, rumor had it.

Oliver and Felicity had moved to a house of their own, Roy and Thea got married in Vegas after all, which was really fitting. They had matured significantly, but some habits die hard. They were happy, though, and it was all that mattered.

It wasn't a perfect life. Sometimes Oliver and Felicity had disagreements. Most of all they were over the risks he still took with his life while being the Arrow. She loved him and one of the reasons for that was his willingness to risk himself for others, for the city, but after everything that happened, sometimes when he would come back all bruised and bloody, Felicity's heart stopped beating. He was also very protective of her, more than he ever was, and when he showed how worried he was, she always said it was her turn to be the one in danger.

It wasn't ever anything serious, though. They both understood where all that worry came from. They took less risks sometimes just to make the other feel better. They worked through it, like they always did.

When Felicity started feeling sick every morning and realized her period was late, she felt afraid at first. How could she bring a child into this world, when its parents risked themselves every single night?

She bought a test from a pharmacy discreetly, and when the confirmation came, she realized she felt more happy than afraid. A child. Her and Oliver's. Felicity would have a family, with the man she had loved for nearly 10 years now. She had spent so much time away from him, and now that she had him again, the prospect of having a family of her own made her happier than she ever thought it would, considering how the failure of her first experience with a family influenced her even after all this time.

Oliver came back to the foundry, wearing his Arrow hood, this time by himself. It had been a simple robbery, and Thea and Roy were out having a date night, so he thought it would be useless to bother them anyway. She sat in her old chair, monitoring the traffic cameras, but not really paying all her attention to the images.

She heard his footsteps and spun the chair around fast. He seemed to notice she was agitated for some reason, and his eyebrows furrowed.

"Is everything okay?"

Felicity nodded hurriedly. "Yes. Everything's fine."

Oliver narrowed his eyes. "If I didn't know better, I would say you were about to go on one of your old babbling incidents."

She hadn't done that in years, yet she still felt as if he was right. She took a deep breath. "There's something I have to tell you."

Oliver's expression changed drastically. "What happened? Are you okay?" He looked worried, stepping closer to her, while she got up from her chair and wiped her hands on her skirt.

"I'm fine.  _We_  are fine." It seemed stupid that she couldn't get the words out.

Oliver's confusion was plain on his face. "We?"

"Yes. I..." She trailed off. She laughed nervously, and then decided to stop being like  _that_. Oliver Queen was the love of her life and she trusted him more than anyone else, she loved him more than everything and everyone, and she knew him. He would be happy. They would be happy. "I'm pregnant."

Oliver's eyes widened, and he looked down at her belly and up at her face and his mouth opened as if he wanted to say something, but he couldn't find the words.

"Oliver?" Felicity got closer to him, and snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Are you there?"

He blinked, and looked at her. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Felicity looked at him incredulously, and then shoved him away by his chest, a smile fighting its way into her mouth. "Shut up."

Oliver laughed, and there was so much joy in his eyes, Felicity felt the proudest she had ever been for being the one to put that look in there. He held her by the waist, and put a hand on her face. "We're gonna have a son."

"A daughter." Felicity said, eyebrows raised.

"I think it's a boy." Oliver kissed her nose.

Felicity laughed. "It's a girl. Am I ever wrong?"

Oliver looked up, as if racking his brain for something. "Sometimes."

"Ha-ha." Felicity slapped his arm.

He kissed her, gently, and it surprised her every time they kissed that it still felt like the first time. She felt butterflies in her stomach, she saw stars all around, she felt an enormous joy taking hold of her entire body.

He touched his forehead to hers when they broke apart. "I love you. I love  _both_  of you."

Felicity smiled. "I love you, too. And her." She touched her stomach, and felt his hand over hers.

Somewhere, she thought, John Diggle was smiling down at them.

John Diggle's death was a tragedy, but John Diggle's memory was what made it possible for them to be this happy, and Felicity hoped that, one day, she would be able to thank him.

Maybe that's what life is about, anyway. Maybe it's all written, maybe tragedies happen for a reason, maybe there's such a thing as destiny, maybe Felicity was always meant to be with Oliver since the day they met. Or maybe you're the one who has to build your own destiny, maybe your choices are yours alone and you reap what you sow.

No matter what, though, Felicity had Oliver. If it was destiny or a result, she didn't care. She had him, and her life had never been better. She wouldn't change it for the world.

* * *

_I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing_   
_Oh, my heart is numb_   
_But with you I feel again_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler alert: it's a girl.
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading and reviewing. Till the next time ;)

**Author's Note:**

> What's up? It's been a while. For anyone confused: The events of the Season 2 finale are different in here. Digg (unfortunately I'm so sorryyyy) dies, Lyla isn't pregnant because come on it would be too sad, there's still the I love you scene before his death, and Felicity doesn't go to the Island with Oliver. She runs away. *cries*. Please review and let me know what you think. I have the entire thing written already, so I'll post the next chapter tomorrow, probably. Or today? Idk. Leave kudos and comment please, they're my life blood.


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